I would have thought that everyone would be nicer after my dad passed away, but everything is the same. As if nothing happened. My aunts tell me to let them know before I leave the country. Does it even matter anyway? It’s not like anyone called to check on me, or spend more time with me. I don’t need a send-off party.
Friends? I don’t blame them for not knowing how much it sucks when your own parent passes away, but I expected more empathy. That’s how I know I have no one. It doesn’t even matter if I cease to exist. I don’t even care if everyone disappeared too. I don’t even think it’s depression. It’s just the blatant truth of life.
I was never able to rely on my mum and brother. Nothing changed after dad passed away too. It is just what it is. I can’t wait to leave without warning. Just like how mum just told me today she’s leaving for a trip. I just ignored her and went out. She only left after I am back home, and she didn’t say anything. There has never been anything that needs to be said and it will remain at that. If someone asked me to write her eulogy when she passes away, I will say I have nothing to say. She gave birth to me, and that’s about it.
If anyone tells me to be zen about it, I will tell them to fuck off because the truth of the matter is I’m capable of being a very mean person but I have and always am moderating myself.
I always thought it was a blessing that my visa took a long time to process because I spent more time with my dad, but sometimes I wish I left before I see the truth of everything. I guess I would endure all this shit over again just so I can pretend to my dad that our family is alright. He loved us so much he is blind to so many things. The other two are just heartless.
I will be thankful I have my husband and dog. That’s all I have. I don’t expect anything more.